Americans hate to let opportunity pass them by and it is that aggressive pursuit, which has made us the last super power. But the technologies that helped create the good life, have become an overloaded. From food to information, technology has perpetuated what Americans have come to accept as a "necessity". There is growing evidence that this new demand driven environment is making humans sick, in mind and body. For the reward driven creatures that humans are, having the ability to consume endlessly is self-reinforcing and addictive. The idea of more makes many people forget the reality of the world, which is, of course, that happiness doesn't come from just material acquisition. It comes from a totally different source: the way in which you spend your life with other people. You can be happy with much less information, fewer material goods, much less of the stuff that we have now. But nobody really looks in the rearview mirror -- they're all driving ahead. If you drive a car looking in the rearview mirror, rather then the windshield you are bound to crash. The fact is, you need to do a U-turn, because happiness lies somewhere behind you, not down the road. More cars, more houses, etc., are not going to do it for you.
One driving mantra that perpetuates the frentic lifestyle is time is money. The emotion that money evokes for many is the fear of losing it. To combat this fear, you may try to acquire more and more, as if somehow large quantities will protect you from your fear. But if you are predisposed to fear, you will feel it no matter how rich you are. For most people, money is associated with work. Working for money gets you out of bed in the morning, and can energize you and move you forward. As you strive for success, you hope that more money will flow. The striving helps you stay vibrant and alive, but placing too much emphasis on financial rewards can limit your options. Yet, the emotions around money can be destructive. You might become jealous and come to resent anyone who has more money than you do. Or you might use money to gain power over others, thus creating superficial and controlling relationships. Couples are especially vulnerable to money-related conflicts. One partner wants to spend more, the other less. One believes that money is the most important contribution to the relationship, the other partner believes that emotional support is more important. However, money woes may really be a smokescreen that hides complex problems related to intimacy.
Let me tell you about Natalie (30) and Paul (30). They have been married for 8 years and have 2 daughters, 8 and 6. They met at a health club in Manhattan. Natalie was studying nursing and Paul was a massage therapist. They married and in order to make money, Paul became a real estate agent. Natalie quit her studies and raised her daughters. They moved to the suburbs of Long Island. Now 15 years later, Paul is fed up with his job and wants Natalie to pick up some of the slack.
Natalie: I'm so glad you're home on time. I have my aromatherapy course tonight.
Paul: Your what?
Natalie: I told you. Aromatherapy. I'm picking up Melissa, you know my friend from Jazzercise...I made veal parmesan. You can pop it in the microwave. Janie's at basketball practice and Lindsey is coming home soon. Marge is dropping her off. Oh and there's a salad in the fridge. And Janie has math homework she needs help with.
Paul: (picks up the mail lying on the dining room table and opens it-grimaces.)
Natalie: What's the matter?
Paul: This phone bill is so high. Who have you been speaking to?
Natalie: (shrugs her shoulders) No one different than usual. Honey I gotta go. I've got that class.
Paul: You don't even ask.
Natalie: Ask what? What's the matter?
Paul: It fell through.
Natalie: What?
Paul: That house on Hewlett Bay. The deal. (he wipes his forehead with his hand)
Natalie: I meant to ask you.
Paul: I was counting on that commission money...they backed out at the last minute... the bank wouldn't give them the mortgage they needed. They totally misrepresented themselves... I've been working on this deal for two solid months. And now it's dead.
Natalie: (rubs his back) You know something else will come through.
Paul: Easy for you to say. You don't worry about all of the bills all of the time.
Natalie: That's not true. I do worry. Paul: What did you do today?
Natalie: Why are you asking?
Paul: Because I'm tired of shouldering all of the burden in this family. So tell me, what did you do today? Natalie: Don't put me on trial. I'm not to blame because the deal fell through.
Paul: I am so tired of this. I wish you would get a job so there wasn't so much pressure on me. It's time. I've told you.
Natalie: I want to get a job but what am I going to do? I don't want to leave the girls.
Paul: Lindsay's going to junior high next year. They don't get home until 3:00. You've got all day. It's time to get off of your rear end and do something.
Natalie: I do do something. I'm here all the time taking care of this house making sure that the your shirts are ironed, making sure there's food and laundry. But you don't appreciate anything I do. Who's going to wait at home when the refrigerator needs to be repaired and the repairman doesn't come home for three hours? Who's going to cook the gourmet meals you love. Who? There's a price if I go to work, Paul. A big price. Anyway, I can't talk about this now. I've got to go.
Paul: I do appreciate what you do. But you spend every morning at the health club. It's enough already. Natalie: That's not true. Look. You were the one who wanted me to quit nursing school because you wanted me home with the girls. It's not fair now to change the rules.
Paul: I don't know why you have to take an aromatherapy course. Take something that will prepare you to work.
Natalie: Now is not the time to discuss this.
Paul: No. Not for you. I am out there busting my balls every day and you, you're waving lavender around. Natalie: You didn't complain when I was alone with the kids all those years. This is the first time I have a space for myself. It's not fair for you to expect me to take a job when I'm not qualified to do anything. If I hadn't gotten pregnant so fast maybe I could have finished nursing school.
Paul: The game has changed Natalie. It's time for you to pick up the slack.
Natalie: I'm going to my course now. I just don't think you're being fair. Just because you had one hard day.
Paul: I've spoiled you. I don't tell you because I don't want to upset you. But you don't know how many hard days I have.
Natalie: Well it's no picnic here either. I work hard. You just don't see it because I've spoiled you. You don't do a shred of housework. You have no idea how much effort it takes to run a house well, to make meals, to make sure the girls are happy, to take them to ballet and basketball and to be there for them. I'm not home sitting on my butt, regardless of what you think. And I don't want to have latchkey kids. I won't do it to them.
One reason we strive so passionately towards accumulating money is the sense of pride it offers. In this modern world, humans are trained to think that receiving money or valuable stuff is evidence that you are a good, worthwhile person. While money is a part of the story, there are many other parts. If low self-esteem is founded in childhood wounds, no amount of money or shopping will heal it. Your value can also be gauged by many things, the love and support you share with others or your talents and accomplishments. Most importantly, you need to accept that all human beings have worth. Bill Gates is not a superior person because he has lots of money and the person who is getting food stamps because they lost their job is not an inferior person. How do you judge superior and inferior in humans? What is the standard? Who is the average person to compare against? Yet, if you have money and status your life may be easier, but you not a superior person. The difference between having an easy or hard life versus being a superior or inferior person is often confused. Again, the ability to do what is hard and do it anyways is courageous and success is based on you efforts, not your outcomes.